This is the title of my journal.

For anyone interested in knowing, my mom and I are back on track and things are all hunky-dory. Sometimes, you gotta get a fight out. After we fought, I promised myself I wouldn't call her for a week. I found myself calling her later that afternoon. I've got some issues, but I'm gonna get through them.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I know I'm being an immature little brat, and you have no reason to put up with it. I'm so sorry that I can't do simple things. I'm sorry that I'm not more responsible. I'm sorry that I get mad, especially when you're just looking out for me.

I'm really upset right now - upset at myself. I don't like who I am. You deserve a better daughter. In my darkest thoughts, sometimes I feel that everyone's lives would be easier without me. Jess could have a new roommate who cleans more and doesn't constantly seek her approval. Mat could find a girl who deserves him. You could stop worrying about me and look at your happy life with Dan and Jesse. I wouldn't be constantly stripping you of money and pride. I know that these are not good thoughts to be feeling, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm sorry that I'm an excessive, lazy, irresponsible, medicated, overweight little girl. I want to be loved and I want my life to be easy - because it should be. I have a great job, I'm in college - I've been given everything I could ever want. And I waste it. You shouldn't have to deal with my problems. I know you yell because you're frustrated, and confused, and you love me.

I'm looking at my framed picture of the two of us from when I was little, the one where I'm wearing the Minnie Mouse dress and you look beautiful and happy. And I cry. I cry and cry and wish that I could take back every horrible thing I've ever said, every stupid thing I've ever done. I love you, so very much. You are my best friend, and I hope I'm still yours.

So, I feel all funky. These days are just going by so fast! First there's sleeping, then there's a few hours of restless ambling aroung the apartment, and then there's sleep. And then it starts over. Lame.

Jessica - you are lame for promising me a grocery shopping trip and then not coming home or answering your phone.

Thank goodness for Red VS Blue. It's keeping me sane. Sort of.

Ok, tomorrow - post office, oil change, mall, work, porneoke, airport, sleep. Ok.

I am Iron Man . . . doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo!

Don't you hate it when everyone in the world seems to have someone but you?

I pissed Courtney off tonight and cried about it. I'm such a fucking pussy.

I think something's wrong with me. When I'm happy, I'm happy. But when I'm sad, it makes me want to end it all.

Why is it that I always seem to have $371 in my checking account, or a negative amount? What is going on? For those of you who think I'm rich, this is before my rent check is put through - so, yeah, I'm actually screwed.

Other news, even though it is money related. Since I finally started serving at my job, I got my first tips tonight! $45! It's not much, but I still did a happy dance. Woo woo Sushi Tsu!

I keep waiting for something to happen, but I don't know what it is. I don't like this feeling of anticipation.

Do you ever wish you were more than what you are?


Somebody told me I was beautiful today. I almost cried.

You're a punk rock mommy! DIY is probably your
motto, because you're a punk mama at heart.
Your kids are getting your independent spirit
and guts, and learning to solve problems
themselves. You love it when they show their
independence, even when it's breaking your
heart.

Last night, Danny convinced me to play footie, which is sort of like rugby, but for Australians. It was awesome. So much fun. And then I got hurt. I pretty much took a tumble and landed hard on my right knee. It hurt a lot, and I knew it wasn't one of those 'put some ice on it and rest it' kind of things. I drove myself to the Emergency Room (and didn't that hurt like a bitch) and waited. And waited. And waited some more. Thankfully, Jess showed up and we goofed around. And then waited. And waited. In the end, I came to find out, Jess can't drive a wheelchair for shit, carp are not the Planet's Funniest Animals, and I sprained my knee. So now, I have this massive knee stabilizer thing, some crutches, and a prescription for Vicadent. This has long week written all over it. It hurt so much getting out of bed this morning that I cried. Not upset crying, just wow, that really hurts crying.

Footie is awesome though, and so are Jess and Holly. Especially Jess, who should go into a sick person catering business.

You ever feel like there's tiny bugs all over you, trying to get up your nose?

Oh, and, by the way, I think I joined the USF Rugby team.

I've been feeling really lost lately. Like, when I try to vizualize my future, I just don't see one. I feel like I don't belong. I have no motivation to go to class or do homework. I feel like I have no direction. Maybe college isn't for me. I hate this apathy. Is it still apathy if you're annoyed by it? Like, I WANT to want to do things. So, that's not apathy, right? I hate that I take easy classes and then fail them out of procrastination. How hard is it to just go to class? I'm on my last chance, academically. I am not allowed to fail anymore classes. And God, I want to double major in Biology? How stupid is that? I don't have the work ethic. I feel like I'm just floating through my sometimes meaningless life.

Am I alone in feeling this way?

So, last night was my first time working at Sushi Tsu. It's a cool place, and I like the people. Before I went, Jess mentioned something about how she was sure that they wouldn't just leave me at the hostess stand and have me figure stuff out on my own. Yeah, that's definitely what they did. But it was ok! I'm not too bad at this. And, soon they're training me to bartend as well. That'd be cool. I'll be like Tom Cruise in "Cocktail", but I won't give champagne to pregnant women.

Tomorrow I start training as a hostess for Sushi Tsu. Please God, let me get this job! I don't want to jinx it!

I am a strong, intelligent woman.
I am talented and creative.
I am capable.
I am resourceful.
I am awesome.
I deserve this job.


I am a strong, intelligent woman.
I am talented and creative.
I am capable.
I am resourceful.
I am awesome.
I deserve this job.


I am a strong, intelligent woman.
I am talented and creative.
I am capable.
I am resourceful.
I am awesome.
I deserve this job.


I am a strong, intelligent woman.
I am talented and creative.
I am capable.
I am resourceful.
I am awesome.
I deserve this job.

I think I done messed up bad.

So, during one of my shifts at Howl-O-Scream, I farted in my flower box. It smelled like pumpkins. 'Tis the season, mothafucka!

Also, it finally happened. I tripped coming up those damn stairs to the apartment.

Last night started slow, got really fun, then ended very . . . awkwardly.

We had our big Halloween bash. Most of my friends didn't show. The only ones who did felt very uncofmortable and left early. I'm so sorry you guys. Had you arrived later, you would have had fun. Lisa (my roommate) was so pissed that you guys left. She liked you. Saw some fun costumes, and some ones that made me go "What the hell?" (Shane, mostly).

I think that a lot of people drank way more than they should have. Lots of things happened that didn't need to. What pretty much deflated my fun for the night was this one guy who really didn't understand the word 'no'. I felt sort of violated, and it's uncomfortable even sleeping in my bed right now. I understand that there are circumstances, but no matter how much you drink, always remember to back off.

I just got home from my chemistry test, and that guy is still here. I don't even want to leave my room. I don't think people understand how wrong I feel.

I'm trying to get over it, and think of the fun I had last night. No real events stick out as being particularly exciting. I just remember the people whom make me happy inside. Holly, Courtney, and Wilson - thanks for being you.

So,
push the jumper: hey bitch i am on the way
USFzeppo: ok cunt
push the jumper: i am trying to get a pair of girls jeans from kim because there is chocolate on mine
USFzeppo: totally not my fault
push the jumper: oh i know
push the jumper: your roommate is dead to me
push the jumper: see you in a minute


I finally saw fucking Serenity! Amazingness!

Oh, and:

Jess: "You're trying to fart; I can sense it!"

So, do you ever talk to someone for a while and think, "Man, ______ is so awesome"? Maybe someone you just met, or a friend you haven't talked to in a while or something. Right now, that person is my mom. We just talked for like an hour, and even though I talk to her almost every day, sometimes it just hits me how brave and beautiful she is. She's dealt with so much - and she has sacrificed, and she created a great life for me. I am so grateful to have her.


I hope every one of you has someone like that in your life.


I love you all.